- We appreciate what you’re trying to do!
- Tell us a joke! The one's you've been telling so far have been brilliant.*
- Could you speak a bit louder please?
- Would you like a woman to sort it out?
- Oh, Thom.
- I drew you a cat.**
- And yet.
- I/we love you, but not how you're being just right now.
- 'Buffy' didn't start till 1997!
- Twisted fire hazard!
- Is it moral?
- [any prime number]
- Weird cuckold situation.
- Sounds a bit Catholic to me,[insert name here]!
- And also with you.[Or any of the other congregation responses from the Catholic mass.]
- It's Coronation Street!
- That'll help the iMDB.
- I've got a vest***!
- I only heard a 'sp-'.
- Some of your jokes are excellent but I don't get this one.
- CUDDLE! If you'd like.
- Sorry, I've got tickets for Stewart Lee. (They're £24.)
- Gonna catch a train. I'm sorry.
- I left my coat.
*Not permitted if said sarcastically.
**Only permitted if accompanied by a drawing of a cat. A MORALLY GOOD CAT. Inexplicably popular.
***Only permitted if you do indeed have a vest with you, if not on you.
Please note, the above heckles are only permitted at the Alternative Comedy Memorial Society (ACMS) shows. Purged heckles include the little used "Help - my friend here is having a stroke. Not really.", the initially practical "It's next to Espionage!", the fiscally unsound "Can I have Joz's tenner?", the admonitory "No more whisk[e]y for you!", and the cruelly accusatory "That's a Joe Pasquale joke, surely."
There is also a heckle permitted only at the ACMS Awards (typically held on our last show of the Fringe): "ting ting ting SPEECH".
There are different permitted heckles for use at the Alternative Alternative Comedy Memorial Society (AACMS) rival/splinter shows. These include:
- There's one in Worcester!
- Also creepy.
- Stick to your guns!
- That's a Tony Law joke, surely.
- Yes, you're the Third Earl of Right!